Friday, April 13, 2007

Pehla nasha...pehla khumar...

Its been almost six months now since I know her and its been four months that she is aware of how I feel for her and two months ago I have been vocal about the same. But in the entire process my state has been the same. I am still the helpless listener. But I just can’t stop talking to her. And each time I meet her, talk to her, listen her speaking about the lucky person she loves, I can’t help but feel the pinch of me being so unlucky that I can’t for once replace that person. Let it be a day, an hour or may be just a moment. But let it happen for once God.

The day I had a first look at her, my belief in non existence of “love at first sight” failed. But the very same day I realized the fact that I can never have her love me in return. The very same day I found out that she is in a relationship that is lasting for last many years and over the years it has grown stronger by facing the tests of the time. I dropped the idea to get her number and may be call her later, the content of which conversation I already started planning out. Dejected I returned home but not for one moment could I think of anything else but her. I told myself that it is infatuation. It is going to ware off.

Days passed and I was continuing to live my routine but the routine was altered a little. Thinking about the moonlit face for every moment I had nothing else to think became a common activity. I was purposely keeping it closed since I was very firm that there is no tiny speck of hope. Then devil started his cruel game. A very ‘reliable’ friend at that time saw the profile of one of my friends on one of the social networking sites on internet and got interested and wanted me to introduce him to her. This was the first time I was being asked to do such a thing and the person who wanted me to do this was very dependable. I did that. I called her up to a party at the ‘reliable’ friend’s place. We talked about a lot of things. She knew the girl whose moonlit face was a part of my thoughts these days. And she knew her very well. The moment my ‘reliable’ friend’s girl of interest suggested to get her to our morning walks along with she herself, I was skeptical whether I should let this happen. But as fate has it, I asked her to do that.

In the beginning, the morning walks were good. Actually were interesting. Me, her, ‘reliable’ friend and ‘reliable’ friend’s girl of interest. Soon, the ‘reliable’ friend’s girl of interest disappeared from the scene owing to her very nature. And it was just the three of us. Soon, it became just the two of us. Since this was my first time, I talked this to my at-the-time ‘reliable’ friend and told him that I won’t let her find out how I feel since we both knew about her relationship from so many years. She used to talk about it so fondly; I was blinded to believe that she is actually very happy. Anyways, I was blinded from so many things at the time. My ‘reliable’ friend told me to stay away since according to him as much he talked to her during the walks, she was very clear girl who knew what she wanted. I was of the same opinion. I was just happy with the walks. I enjoyed her company and her talks although they were of no meaning to me. Love is idiotic.

Even though I started smelling something fishy after a few days of my ‘reliable’ friend’s disappearance from the walking scene, the dooms day arrived only five months ago and she told me she is in love with somebody new. It was the ‘reliable’ friend. I went mad. And in this mad frenzy caused to me by the raging flames of fury in my head I ruined a lot of things. The wheel started spinning in the opposite direction for me and today I am one of her very good friends. Just a friend. There won’t be any change in this state of mine for the rest of this lifetime.

Nothing much happened after that from my point of view. Not much has changed. I have acted stupid and idiotic at times. I have been foolish. I have done everything a novice 23 year old first time lover and failure would do. I told her about the ‘reliable’ friend’s actual girl friend. She found out about her more than me in their personal outings. She knows she can’t get him as I myself know that I can never get her. In the course we both became friends. But the problem remains the same, she never realizes. She never realizes that what she is going through is the same agony I am going through. She sits there in front of me and talks about the innumerable ‘what ifs’ and wishful thinking, not for a moment realizing that these are the exact same feelings and thoughts that fill me each moment of day. She has me. She talks all this to me. I have you. I talk this to you. But, I guess this is the end.